The truth is, relating to someone who has gone through tragedy can be awkward. Many people don't know what is appropriate or feel uncomfortable and later will share, “I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t know what to say,” or “I didn’t want to bother you or say the wrong thing.” The good intention is there; you want to convey your care and support for them, but what is the right thing to say or do?
Here are a few actions that can make a respectful and significant difference:
The dreaded “how are you?” - Steer clear of this question for a while - it reminds them of how “not good” they are, they will let you know when they don’t feel horrible. Instead, sending texts like “thinking of you” or “sending you love” are great because they don’t require a thoughtful response.
Share your story - they're often most comfortable talking to people who have also lost someone close to them. It’s always helpful to know you’re not alone and to talk to someone who gets it. And as I’ve learned, you really don’t get it unless you’ve lived it.
Don’t try to make them feel normal - the person grieving is living in a different reality where everything is foggy and worldly things feel meaningless. Until they are used to their “new normal” understand that they don’t have the capacity to care much about anything but basic tasks like remembering to eat. This is the really difficult part for the supporter to understand, but trust me, just give them space and don’t talk to them about “normal” things unless they ask for it.
“How can I support you?” - It’s difficult to answer this question because often times the griever doesn't even know what they need. Remember, it's not your responsibility to make them feel better, just let them know they aren't alone. Taking initiative is the most impactful support such as sending or dropping off food (remembering to eat really is a tough part) or sending something thoughtful that includes a helpful book or self-care goodies. Luckily, we got you covered on the latter with all the things that will feel nourishing and supportive for navigating the grief journey.
